Tuesday, May 29, 2012 at 12:46AM I'm not working tomorrow. I will try to make something with color.
# 3 of 5
Saw this on the way to work this morning and thought of you.
Goodnight.
Monday, May 28, 2012 at 2:06AM This isn't great. Too tired to make anything good tonight. I will do better tomorrow.
Goodnight my audience of one.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012 at 10:25PM I paint. I have been painting a lot over the last two months. It's my escape. I don't have much time to create right now, or the space to work.
I just make colors into shapes and arrange them so that they look like things. That's all it is. Sometimes the things look good sometimes not so much. Sometimes what I paint means something. All this paint and paper isn't worth anything if there is nobody to share it with. Without that it's nothing. It has no purpose and it's just colors and shapes. I don't want to paint if I can't share it. This website isn't really sharing it. It doesn't mean anything.
Maybe what I do brings a little happiness to someone. Maybe it means something. I don't know. I hope it does. Maybe these little pictures help you or get you feel something. I would like that if it were true, but right now, to me, they are just colors and shapes. What I have been painting for the last month feels very dark and empty. I've gone wrong somewhere. It happens. I get down and beat up on myself and feel like I have control of nothing. There is no light in what I have been doing and I feel little joy in it. Like most people I want what I do to matter. Trying to be an artist is a damned lonely business and loneliness is poison.
There is a school of thought that an artist should suffer for their work. I say that's bullshit. I just want to make beautiful things and share them with somebody that will appreciate them. That's really all there is to it... No, there's more to it ,but that other stuff is staying in my head.
12"x9" Walnut ink and black gouache on AquabordThis painting I just posted (it's mostly ink so I guess it's more of a drawing) is beautiful. It's not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. Nothing is. Im leaving the flaws where they are. They don't need fixing. The flaws are what make it special. To me it's beautiful even if there is no color in it and I don't care what anybody says. It matters. Its not a very good photo of it though. A lot of the details aren't showing up in the pic. It looks so much better in person. I may go find a print shop so I can get a good scan of it.
I painted this one for just me which is why I didn't want to show it. She is my favorite face and my favorite person, even if she doesn't believe it.
I hate writing about myself and what I'm thinking. It feels a little stupid but I pay the bill around here.
Thank you for taking the time to look at my stuff, even if it was only for a few seconds.
Goodnight.
Monday, May 21, 2012 at 11:22PM My favorite tree bloomed today. 
It rained all day and business was bad so I did this. Sorry for the crappy pic. I'm off tomorrow and will post something that's actually worth looking at..... after i repair the fence I drove over. Dumbass.
Sunday, May 20, 2012 at 12:38AM Spilled some water and messed up. Need to fix this but I am too tired. Lesson = don't paint tired.
Goodnight.
not done yet
Friday, May 18, 2012 at 9:57PM It's been a long day and I am weary.
The day started off with the removal of a deer tick from my leg (make that 3 ticks now) and the nice cut I got on my arm yesterday became infected. I bleed like crazy but I heal like Wolverine. I have to keep an eye on that bite. I don't want to end up with Lymes disease like my mother.
I have almost finished what I'm working on. Just another hour or so to work on it. I would take a pic but it's too dark and I have lousy lighting in here and the scanner shit the bed. I'm hoping to finish painting it tonight. I don't know if I will have much time for painting for a while. The grease pit opens tomorrow (oh joy)...yes that's sarcasm. I don't want to be there... or here. It was either come here and be of some use or stay home in that empty house and be even more lonely and miserable and fucking depressed. Is that even possible? Damn, I am a whiny bastard tonight.
I'm going to take a couple sleeping pills in a few minutes. I need some dreamless, unnatural sleep tonight. No dreams for a change would be fantastic.
I hope you had a good day. Goodnight.
Thursday, May 17, 2012 at 4:23PM This isn't where I thought I would be right now. There is barely enough room to breathe inside this tin can of a camper, let alone paint. Believe me, it is even more cramped than it looks. It is what it is and I have to try to make the best of it. Time to attempt to paint.
Thursday, May 17, 2012 at 1:49AM The colors still don't look right. I need to get back to the other thing I'm working on. Hopefully I will have time Thursday night for that. It's going to be a long day and I should have been in bed 5 hours ago. Sleep is for the weak.
music for your eyes
And this is what my piece of shit scanner keeps doing...
Wednesday, May 16, 2012 at 12:35AM It's in pieces now. Hopefully I will have it working by tomorrow.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012 at 2:00AM ... or at least try to. Here is a detail of what I'm working on. Better than nothing.
Goodnight
Monday, May 14, 2012 at 12:21AM I'm sorry. I've had a bad couple of days.. more like a bad couple of months actually. There is no painting today. I do have a new one but it is not finished and I don't know if I'm going to post it when it is done. My thinking on this is a little irrational and maybe a bit stupid. Funny thing is, it's one of the best I have ever done and I don't know if I want anybody to see it.
I admit I am not at the top of the heap when it comes to logical reasoning.
Yep, crazy. Goodnight.
Saturday, May 12, 2012 at 8:05PM Walnut ink does not taste like grape juice. It tastes like brown. Always look to be sure you are picking up the right bottle.
Friday, May 11, 2012 at 8:12PM I was going to write something here. Maybe later. For now I will keep thinking and dwelling and considering.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012 at 1:20AM Walnut ink and paper sketch. This is beautiful. Stór mo chroí.
I miss you. Níor chonaic mé bean chomh deise leatsa riamh.
